DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
