I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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