I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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