I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
