glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
