i think my tv is drunk
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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