I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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