Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
