I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
