Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
