May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
my poor anus
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
