i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize