Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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