you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize