I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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