At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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