Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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