I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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