dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
