i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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