I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize