I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
