there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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