Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
