i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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