I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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