oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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