I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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