Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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