apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
