Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
