go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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