Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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