Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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