Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
