Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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