Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i now understand why vodka
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
