peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
His hands were made for my vagina.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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