fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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