Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
