I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize