I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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