I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
