did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
