Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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