My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
