he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We named our party play list daddy issues
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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