one word: firstdatebathroomanal
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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