had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
