I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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