we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
