My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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