**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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