Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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