just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
