imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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