pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
