i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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