Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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