Michael Bay diarrhea
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
