I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I could fuck to npr.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
