My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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