Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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