i wish there were pregnant emoticons
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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