forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
