Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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