I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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