She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
